Christian Sexuality 101 with Rob Bell, Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker

In the last month I have read two very excellent books: Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker’s Every Man’s Battle, and Rob Bell’s Sex God. Both books deal with the topic of Christian sexuality.

Arterburn & Stoeker’s book is more aimed at practical day-to-day tips for blokes who want to win the battle against the problem of lust. Bell’s book is a brilliant book for both men and women seeking to understand God’s intentions for human sexuality, and the wonders of what to many is an utter mystery: That, as Bell puts it, this is really about that. That sex is really about God.


In a recent post I wrote about a recent experience when I confronted some blokes about the way they were talking about sex and women.

I wrote:

One thing I can't help but notice is just how much religion is tied up with sex. I don't think you can really understand sexuality without grounding your thinking in the reality of God as creator. You can't understand why marriage is important if you don't value supernatural design, procreation, and the great mystery of marriage as a reflection of Christ's relationship with the church.


A similar situation occurred a week later, but this time I was much more successful at changing the topic of conversation. This time my reasoning was that I was getting bored, and surely they had more interesting things to talk about that their sex lives.

However I was later asked whether it was because I was religious that I wanted them to change the topic of conversation. But instead of agreeing I went on a whole spiel that it was just about respect, and my feeling sick when women are being talked about in that way.

But the reality is, the basis for my concern for people’s dignity, and people being respected, is the fact that they are relational and spiritual beings created by God, whose sexuality is not a public good available for anyone’s lustful imaginings. Rather, their sexuality was designed by God in order to help them better understand their maker, themselves, and their purpose in life.


Sex God

And this is what Bell’s Sex God conveys in a simple yet thorough and comprehensive way. He uses a brilliant mix of scripture and common sense to shed light on the subject of sexuality to Christians and Non-Christians alike. His reasoning is hard to argue with – and you wouldn’t want to argue. Bell’s Sex God gives you a truly inspiring picture of the gift of sexuality, a picture so precious that consigning sex to the realm of evolutionary biology simply holds no appeal whatsoever.

Bell defines what we call sexuality as human attempts to reconnect – to reconnect to each other, and to God. He talks about how this reflects the Christian reality of our fallen human nature – disconnected from God, and from one another. He talks about how marriage is instituted by God to address our disconnectedness, and bring unity and wholeness.

But he also talks about the way that marriage is merely a picture of what is to come. He talks of the day when Christ will take his bride, the church, and we will all be one as Christ and the father are one. He talks about the day when we will be “like the angels” – neither giving or taking in marriage. We will all be part of a blissful connected oneness that far exceeds the glory of sexual intercourse.

But this does not mean Bell has a low view of sex. Quite the opposite. One of the most brilliant aspects of Sex God is the way Bell uses the angel-animal dichotomy, and stresses that as humans we are uniquely both angel and animal. Unlike angels, sexual intercourse is meaningful to us, and God’s good gift to us, because we are animals. But unlike animals, we are each spiritual beings, created to reflect the nature and glory of God. And with that comes both a duty and a spiritual instinct to respect his monogamous order. I’m paraphrasing, of course. Bell talks in much more current and understandable terms.

But perhaps my highlight of Bell’s work came in the final chapter: That the scriptural tilt is for being single, not away from it. He gives examples of people who are celibate, but whose sex drive, whose desire for connection with others, is expressed in pastoral ministry within the church. It is not expressed in a physical way at all, other than maybe a hug and a holy kiss. But it is shown in the wide embrace and recognition of every person’s unique individual spirit. The role of a Catholic priest is recognizable in this model. This is a pulse, a heartbeat, which as a celibate Christian I know all too well. Only God knows how my celibacy empowers me into a greater reach towards Christians of all flavours in my community. I totally understand the Catholic idea that a priest is married to his church, and this is another opportunity for Lucyna to assure me of a calling in that direction!


Every Man’s Battle

I will be raving about Sex God for a while. It is one of the best books I have ever read, not just on sexuality, but on Christian calling and theology in general. Every Man’s Battle doesn’t reach the same literary heights, but it is certainly an informative and empowering read for any man struggling with the issue of lust. It is a very practical book, addressing the issue in very strategic terms. It is true to its title, in that it takes seriously the fact that lust requires a response as stringent as any military plan.

“Better a man who can control himself than one who can conquer a city.”
– Proverbs 16:32

A key strength lies in its clear identification of the effect of lust on marriage, and our clearcut calling as Christians to flee all sexual impurity, honouring our bodies as belonging to God, not us. Recognising the implications of Jesus’ challenge that to even think about a woman lustfully is to commit adultery in our hearts. Arterburn & Stoeker blatantly recognise sexual addiction for what it is, but at the same time are realistic about the way men are naturally hardwired for visual sexual gratification.

They provide a number of very practical tactics to aid men in their battle for self-control:
• Bouncing the eyes
• Deeply evaluating motives when reaching for magazine with potent sexual content
• Making every effort to avoid known locations of images (magazines, billboards)
• Memorising and recalling powerful scriptures/statements
• Feeding potential fantasies with facts rather than imagination
• Playing the dweeb (one of my favourites)
• Limit time alone with close female friends
• Deliberately and habitually cherishing wife

Many of these might seem obvious, but Arterburn & Stoeker discuss these strategies with a rigour and detail that helps to inspire action. But of course they recognise the only power we can access to control ourselves in this way is that which Christ offers in his death and resurrection, and the gift of his spirit to us.


One thing I haven’t yet discussed in much detail, other than the initial post which only lasted a matter of days before I deleted it, is my recent, quite public, confrontation of lust in my own life. These two books have certainly helped me stay on track in the battle, and I can speak from experience, with all sincerity, that everything Bell, Arterburn & Stoeker promise is realistic, and is liberating. I managed to go for longer than 2 months without a single conscious, deliberative lustful thought. Temptations certainly came, both through the eyes and in the mind, but every time I managed to either bounce the eyes or take captive that thought.

However, as Arterburn & Stoeker warn, winning battles does not mean the war is over, and one may never rest on their laurels. Last week I was very much caught by surprise as I went from viewing what I thought were very innocent images, to starting to view those images very differently, and then hitting a more and more slippery slope over the week. As the prophet Jeremiah once said, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” We have to be so careful to really scrutinize our motives in all that we do. And if we fall down, it is so important not to take God’s grace for a ride, but to pick ourselves up again and take back up our sword.